Sometimes the First Step 

Must Be to Listen

Despite the incredible stress and strife, the injustice and suffering, I know there are many good people out there.

I know you are one of these good, kind, and compassionate people.

Please know that this gives me hope.

I struggled with what to write today, given the incredible suffering, tension and polarization we are witnessing in the US and worldwide due to the pandemic, racial and economic inequality, and violence against oppressed people.

I know that this statement does not fully capture the challenges we as a people are facing. 

I was not sure what I could offer right now. But I know that saying nothing did not feel right.

My own work has been primarily focused on how to help people learn to speak to each other, to communicate with greater respect and compassion, and to strive for personal growth. And so it is from this perspective and experience base that I hope I can share something of value. 

Oftentimes, in our effort to be compassionate and to let others know we support them, we inadvertently miss the mark. 

The most commonly used but unhelpful phrase of the well-intentioned, I think, is:

"I know how you feel."

Or similarly, "I know just what you're going through (because I've experienced X, Y, Z)."

For those of use who are particularly empathic, we do feel pained by others' suffering.

It hurts us to know others are hurting.

The Challenge for the Empathic, Compassionate, and Well-Intentioned Among Us

Empathy, by definition, means that to some extent, we feel "as" another feels, and not just "for" them.

And yet, statements like, "I know just how you feel," rather than soothing another, typically leave that person with the sense that their feelings are being co-opted by the person offering this sentiment.

In fact, it can feel dismissive, hurtful, and unhelpful to someone who may initially just need a compassionate, loving presence - someone to listen first.

And this next statement may ruffle a few feathers, but I'm going to say it anyway:

The tendency to rush in to share our own experiences of hardship when someone is suffering can be the opposite of compassionate.

Even intuitive empaths - who more acutely feel the emotional and physical suffering of others - can never have lived another person's journey - even if ours may be similar in some way.

In that moment, sometimes what others need is for us to be present, to listen, and to be open.

Sometimes we will also need to hear something that makes us feel defensive or uncomfortable. 

If we are to heal our relationships and our world, we need to sit with temporary discomfort. To be willing to listen. And to be willing to shift what we do in the service of healing.

Of course, there are times when it's appropriate and helpful to share our similar experiences. But when in doubt, first breathe. And listen.

And then, perhaps, simply say:

"I am here for you."

"I may never fully understand what you are going through, but I support you."

"I stand with you."

My wish for you, myself, and our world is that we find peace, healing, and common ground.

Traci

P.S. If you find this message helpful, please share. And be well.